Remembering 9/11

As I sat back and reflected on that tragic day many tears began to fall. I remember where I was, what I was doing and who was there with me. I remember the words I spoke, and the pure fear and sadness that I felt. It wasn't just that day I remember but I remember the day before. The exact thing that was going on. Thats the day every year that I begin to remember that tragic day.

For on September 10th I was in the hospital waiting walking the halls , chatting with family, laying in the bed, tubes and monitors all hooked up to me. That was the day I was waiting for my bundle of joy to arrive.Well finally my son, my beautiful son Austin was born that evening. Yes, the eve of the tragedy. Were we worried or afraid that an attack would be made on our country. Was that something we even thought would happen. No, we were happy, excited, and of course extremely tired. This day as a great day. But then, something turned this birth, this wonderful miracle into sadness. That something was Sept. 11th 2001.

That morning, I had woken up saw the t.v. was on, and saw that one plane had hit a tower. I thought at first it was just some silly movie on t.v. Then I heard and saw the next plane hit , building on fire, people jumping and screaming out of the buildings,  then I started hearing stuff about two other planes, and the events that were going on. I looked at my mother who was in the room with me for my husband had gone home to be with our daughter whom was not quite two. And was due to bring her in that morning to see Mom and little baby brother Austin. I looked at my Mom with tears in my eyes and said, "Mom is this for real, this can't be happening right. I just brought a baby into this wickedness." My Mom and I just sat and cried. I picked my son up whom they just wheeled into the room and began to feed him.  I stared at him , with tears in my eyes and said, son I'm so sorry  today is a tragic day but with you here all things are made wonderful and will be again this I promise you. My husband arrived with my daughter shortly, he didnt' quite know what was going on for he didn't really have time to listen to the news that morning. We filled him him, we all just kept watching the news, the doctors, the nurses, everyone was just in disbelief. We all couldn't believe it. We were trying our best to get released from that hospital for all we wanted to do was to go home and be a family. We wanted to celebrate his birth, but instead it was just pure sorrow. We finally got home, we snuggled with both our children and we prayed. I couldn't take it anymore. I asked my  husband to just turn the t.v. off, to please lets do something else, anything but I was just to stricken with all that had been lost.

To this day on Sept. 10th I stop and remember the events leading up to my son's birth, but then I remember I remember all the tears, all the lives lost, all the hatred that just came flowing in and it chokes me up. It pains me so that I can not bare it. We celebrate my son's birthday with an endless amount of  love and joy Cause that is our best day ever. We are happy that God loved us and blessed us with this special miracle all knowing what was to come. I thank God everyday for my family , my friends, and for those that are lost.

When Sept. 11th arrives I refuse to turn on the t.v. for if I do I will just sit there in a flood of tears and will not stop. My heart hurts for this country, my heart hurts for all those that were lost that day, my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain these families go through everyday because of the way they lost their loved ones. I just can't imagine what goes through their minds especially on this day. I do know that without God , without his love, his protection, his strength I wouldn't have survived if I was the wife, the husband, the father, the mother, the daughter, the son, the so on and so on of those lost. So what do I do on Sept. 11th.This is what I do. I think and these are my thoughts:

Because I don't turn on the t.v. Does it mean because I don't want to hear, to relive, those events that I don't care, or that I don't know what happened, or that I forgot. No Way. I remember as if it were yesterday. No I didn't loose a loved one that day, but I have lost loved ones , no not in that tragic way, but I've still lost. See just because I didn't loose a loved one that day doesnt mean I don't feel pain or grief for that day. Doesn't mean that I don't deserve to feel that cause how could I , I didn't loose anyone that day, in that way. No I didn't. But I did loose my freedom, my childrens freedom, my husbands freedom. We all lost our freedom and a great deal many other things that day. Our whole nation has suffered and continues to suffer. How can anyone forget when every where you look theirs security here, security there, bag checking, going through machines, getting frisked, tighter controls on this , tighter controls on that. I don't live in the land of the free anymore. My children , your children will never see the life of freedom, what they see is police all around, security check points, they will have many missed opportunities because of all the control that is now placed upon us. When was the last time you could go to the airport and actually HUG your loved one goodbye before they enter the terminal. Think about. When was the last time our children could enter a school building that wasn't patroled by cops. Think about it. When was the last time you could go to a game  and not be checked. Think about it. and there is so much more changes being done each and everyday day all because of this tragic event. All because of this evil , this wickedness that destroyed us, destroyed our once free nation. Sad isn't it. When you really think over the events of that day, the events leading to that day and all the events that take place today its really quite depressing.

 I will not allow my children even to go down our own streets on their own. For fear something bad will happen and I can't be there, I can't protect them. I know I can't ever fully protect them but I can do my best. There are times I can't bear to leave my  house because of this tragic day. It has caused me to be a hermit, to shy away even more from others, It has caused a great deal of  mistrust. If I do trust you, then you are a lucky one. I don't open up to many, I keep to myself, I doubt others abilities of things.  However, I don't doubt God, I trust God and I confide in him often. I'm not afraid to admit my love of Christ. He saved me, He saved this world once and  I believe this world can be saved again.  I believe out Country can be saved. The only way it can be saved though is through God alone. He alone no one else. No man , no woman, no animal, nothing else only God. We must get back to God. We must ask him. Not just me, not just the handful of believers but all of us. Our Nation needs God. You can call me a Bible thumper, a preacher, or think I know nothing at all.  I don't care. I know that God needs to be present here. We need to let him back in.  Yes, I love God, and I know he's there and I know he walks beside me and I do my best to not let fear get the best of me but at times it does. I'm human aren't we all.

As I continue to reflect , I begin pray. I pray for our nation. I pray for fallen hero's. I pray for the military , I pray for our government, I pray for our land, for all of you. As I pray, I ask God's forgiveness on those who harmed our country. I ask God to forgive the sins this world, the sins of our nation. I ask him to spare us, to save us. I let him know that all are not lost. I pray for safety for all. I pray for protection. I ask God to find away to provide everyones needs. Yes even those of our enemies. As I pray, tears trickle down my cheeks for I'm afraid for all that might happen to us. I ask him, what can I do. How can I help? He talks to me, He tells me I'm not alone. He soothes my soul. He comforts me, most of all he loves me. I thank him for all he does and continues to do.

What else do I this day. I wait it out. I wait for it to go away. I go about my day, I teach my children, I play with my children, I love on my children. I let them know that they are loved. We enjoy our day, our time with one another. I kiss them, I hug them, I tell all my loved ones that I love them. I surround myself with those I love. I go to work, I do whatever is necessary for that day, but I don't forget. I always remember. I will never forget, nor will my children ever forget.

So where do I go from here. The day is now ending , so I look forward to the next, and the next and the next. I live for the day, by the day, by the moment and I live in that moment. This day of Sept. 11th taught me how important loving and showing your love to family, to friends, to those around you is. It changed my life. It changed my perspective on things. I no longer wish to have "everything" If I do get something that I may want I am thankful for it. See, to me "things" arent' important, people are. So although 9/11 brought upon these hardships, it also taught me how to be strong, how to love better, how to serve others more. So I guess in some ways , how sad this is I am thankful for this tragic day. Its sad that it took something so drastic to change my life.

This is what I do every Sept. 11.

May God Bless you all,

Mandy